Monday 21 May 2012

Things I am not very good at: Navigating

Glorious Gloria

I have a best friend and her name is Gloria. (Actually Gloria2, I wore out Gloria 1, she literally gave up one day and died from exhaustion, she was muttering something about not being able to take it anymore as she sailed up to GPS heaven). I ignore the people who fail to understand just how special our relationship is, and what a difference she has made to my life. How could anyone not love Gloria?
 
It took me a while to come out of the closet and admit that I was directionally challenged. I can get lost in a phone booth and if I think the way to go is right, it is almost guaranteed to be left. I had a breakthrough one day when I read a book called Never Get Lost Again by Linda Grekin. The author had done extensive research on those of us without a sense of direction, and I discovered that there are millions of folk out there just like me and that it has nothing to do with my sex or level of  intelligence. Many are even worse than I am as at least I can read a map (even if I do have to hold it upside down and look at my hands to tell left from right). The problem also influences esteem and confidence so maybe this was why I make so many small and irritating mistakes! Anyway, now I can admit it freely, not only because I am not alone, but also because there is help at hand. Now I have Gloria.

With Gloria, I can go wherever I want with a little more confidence. I admit I still have some slight navigational issues and can sometimes turn off the motorway just a teeny bit earlier than she meant me to, which means I have taken the wrong exit, which does tend to raise my blood pressure and I have been known to swear and yell at her, even though it was completely my fault. She never yells or swears back however, and instead of shouting “why did you turn off there you stupid *beep woman? I meant the NEXT beep exit!” (*channeling my father yelling at my mother) she just says gently, “re-calculating…” in that lovely gentle British accent and then comes up with a solution. I love her…no I LOVE HER! Some days I think I love her more than the NZ All Black rugby team and that is saying something.

However, as in any intimate relationship, sometimes Gloria and I have our off days. One such episode occured when I was going to collect a friend from her hotel near the Johannesburg airport. I set off very confidently, but knew something was amiss when I sailed past the airport with another 10km to go. I ended up in a rather seedy neighbourhood with no hotels for miles around, she had the right street name, just the wrong suburb! So I called the hotel and they gave me better directions, which I promptly reprogrammed into Gloria, turned around and headed back the way I had come. Slightly stressed but still coping, and not blaming her at all. 
“In 500 meters turn left,” she said, and I obediently followed without question and wondered why I had ended up in the car rental return car park of the Johannesburg Airport. I was pretty sure my friend was not sleeping in a rental car. So I tried again, driving back out onto the motorway, following Gloria as she told me to take that exit and turn into that road until I was once again back at the airport. I may have just ever so slightly started screaming at her at this point.
Anyway, to cut a long and painful story short, poor old Gloria was still operating under the old motorway system which had been upgraded for the Football World Cup. I eventually collected my friend a couple of hours late, looking somewhat disheveled, with hair standing straight on end, hands clenched around the steering wheel, sweat pouring from every pore and wild eyes darting in every direction. Even though it wasn't really her fault, Gloria was stuffed into the glovebox and I did not talk to her for a week. 

It does appear that a GPS can cause great strife in a relationship. I have a friend who is jealous because her directionally challenged partner thinks the GPS knows the way better than she does. They have a male voiced version because he couldn’t stand the thought of taking directions from a woman. Apparently it sounds just like Sean Connery so maybe she would be better to run off with the GPS/Sean and leave her partner to just get lost! Another friend spends the whole time they are in the car yelling at her husband to throw the poor GPS, who is minding its own business and just doing its job, out the window. Because she is not directionally challenged she is offended by the idea that they need help with directions. Another kiwi friend wanted to murder her husband because he took the GPS away with him and left her with an office spare who was talking to her in Afrikaans and she couldn’t understand a thing it was saying, and got very lost as a result. But let’s face it, most relationships were already rife with arguments over directions and maps and getting lost, so now at least we can blame the GPS instead of each other.

My husband also has a somewhat complex relationship with Gloria, but he has to admit she has made his life easier. Now he doesn’t have to spend ages drawing maps for me, and I have stopped calling him in a great panic because I have no idea how to find my way home. I can still get lost trying to find the toilets in a shopping mall and he has to sometimes come looking for me because I am wandering around on the wrong floor of a hotel, but unfortunately this will keep happening until they devise a GPS that works indoors and that I can strap to my person. Things can get a little tense in the car as he does like to question Gloria every now and then, just to show who is boss.
“Left? Are you sure?” he will say, eyebrows raised in questioning glare even though he has no idea where we are going. This brings up some trust issues
 for me with Gloria  (especially after the airport incident) which leaves me feeling insecure with her and annoyed with him. I hope the day never comes when I have to choose between them because I may have to go with Gloria. How could I leave her? I love and need her way too much...well that is until a younger and more updated model comes along! Now, where have I heard that before?
















13 comments:

  1. Ha! Ha! Excellent! Having recently experienced Gloria's expertise and your increased confidence when she is with you - I completely understand even though I am more likely to be the one to shove a GPS into the glove box because I find them annoying. However, the best present I bought Matthew in recent years was a GPS and it makes me happy because I no longer have to worry about him going east when he should be going west (which has happened all too many times). All hail technology!! :~) Sharon

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    1. Thanks Sharon, and I wont tell Gloria you think she is annoying as it will hurt her feelings and as you said, if it wasnt for her you would never see me!!

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  2. Fay! Ha-Ha. This is excellent! I am so glad now that I know you are blogging! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I have an also very intelligent friend, who is female and she is also directionally challenged. I am going to send this link to her! She would love this!

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    1. Thanks so much Annelize, I am glad you enjoyed it and it is nice to see you are sharing my profound insights wiht your friends also!

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  3. Too true, when living in Joburg I had Richard. He became quite a novelty and a part of my family..... very funny the trouble we got into together!

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    1. It is a shame we didnt introduce Richard to Gloria! Nice to hear from you Jane!!

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  4. This is such fun to read Fay! I can identify with your friend's partner who didn't want to take instructions from a woman, I have to have a female voice on our satnav in UK as I couldn't stand having yet another male voice telling me what to do! Does Gloria repeat herself every few metres as you approach your turn off? Mine does and I am constantly saying, 'yes, I know, you told me. Yes look I'm turning left.....' still I wouldn't be without her. Xx

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    1. Thanks Lesley! I am glad you speak to your GPS, I think they appreciate it, even if you are telling them to shut up!
      I have added your blog to my reading list, keep up the good work!

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  5. hahaha fay..you have made me laugh and think of south africa...you remember when i was still new in south you introduced me to Gloria the first and she would politely say recalculating when you went offcourse....hahaha...or she would say when possible make a u turn....it was fun to read...but were would we be without the glorias of the world

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    1. Hi Shingai, nice to hear from you and thanks for the feedback and yes I remember our trips together very well. Hope you are enjoying Canada!

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    1. Hi Fay, great to have your voice and my laugh in the same place again. Wish we could do it literally as well as etherially... Much love, Hilary xx

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    2. Hi Hilary, thanks my dear friend, I wish I could hear your laugh from here!!

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