Things I am not very good at: Not being a neurotic nitwit

 I have a long running conversation with my husband Greg that usually takes place after every social gathering we host.
“Do you think they had a good time? Do you think they liked the food? Do you think they like us?”
To which he usually responds: “Of course they had a good time, yes they liked the food and they definitely like me, I am not so sure about you,” (he has a cruel sense of humour).
We had some friends over recently and I was sure everyone was having a good time judging by the amount of chatter, laughter and food and drink being consumed. Plus they all thanked us profusely and said what a great time they had as they left, with kisses and hugs all round.  
“Do you think they enjoyed themselves? Did they like the food? Do you think they like us?”  I asked Greg a few minutes later. He couldn’t even be bothered to respond in his usual loving way, but just rolled his eyes, and went to bed.

This is me on a really bad day

Over the years I have managed to take the art of insecurity to a whole new level. I can feel hurt about almost anything if I put my mind to it. If I don’t get an email for a while from my family (I have a very large extended family) then I think that maybe they are all just writing to each other and leaving me out. If I hear that one friend has been to another friend’s house and I wasn’t included, I am hurt and think it means they like each other much more than they like me.  If someone tells me they really like Greg and think he is so funny, I think that means they don’t really like me and I am not funny. If my children don’t bother to contact me for a while I think they have found a new mother they like better. (OK I may be exaggerating a tiny bit). But I am aware that I have a teeny problem in this area and sometimes ask Greg to interpret interactions I have had with people because my sensitivity radar can just sometimes be just ever so slightly,  off kilter. As he never experiences a moment of self-doubt or inadequacy (some could even accuse him of being arrogant and highly annoying, but I don’t know who those people are!) he can usually provide a much better version of events. For example, say we are out with friends at a dinner and someone says to me; “So Fay, what do you do with yourself all day since you are not working?”
I interpret that to mean; “So Fay, your life must have no meaning and purpose, you have no real  identity and really you are good for nothing and this is kind of what I expected as I have always thought you are a pretty useless person, what on this good great earth could you possibly do to fill your time that would have any meaning and all you seem to do is make small and irritating mistakes.”  
Greg’s version goes something like this; “I thought he meant what do you do with yourself all day now that you are not working.”
Amazing isn’t it? How did he come up with that???

This is one of the reasons I love Anne Lamott, and her books on faith and writing. They have encouraged me to keep writing and praying, have highlighted that there are some people out there who are as neurotic and insecure and paranoid as I am, and as importantly, have made me laugh. She includes this poem by Phillip Lopate in her book Bird by Bird which seems to be written just for me: 

We who are

your closest friends
feel the time
has come to tell you
that every Thursday
we have been meeting,
as a group,
to devise ways
to keep you
in perpetual uncertainty
frustration
discontent and
torture
by neither loving you
as much as you want
nor cutting you adrift.
(Added my own 4 lines below as he talks about ex husbands and analysts which don’t apply)
Your priest is
in on it,
plus your extended family,
your children
and your husband;
and we have pledged
to disappoint you
as long as you need us.
In announcing our
association
we realize we have
placed in your hands
a possible antidote
against uncertainty
indeed against ourselves.
But since our Thursday nights
have brought us
to a community
of purpose
rare in itself
with you as
the natural center,
we feel hopeful you
will continue to make unreasonable
demands for affection
if not as a consequence
of your disastrous personality
then for the good of the collective 

This is me on a good day

 Silly right? Who would really feel like that? And yes I have tried prayer and therapy, and yes my husband is a saint for putting up with me. Talk about high maintenance. Believe it or not, I think I am a little more secure now that I am have become a lady of certain age (ie over 50). But I have come to accept that I will always be somewhat neurotic, and as long as I can laugh about it, I will survive. It has also helped me to be more sensitive to other people's feelings which some at least seem to appreciate.  Greg has even learned a few things from me and he no longer asks someone a question, like how their work is going and then wanders off while they are still talking, leaving them somewhat confused and forcing them to tell me the answer because I am still standing there pretending to be interested (something he used to do all the time when we first got married). And really, when I think about it, if I was stable and secure like him, how boring our lives would be. What on earth would we talk about after everyone has gone home??